Tuesday, April 8, 2008

ramblings of a sad mama

There are so many things that Ben did not get to do. Mostly, I can think about all the experiences he did have and find much comfort. This, however, is hard. He did not get to make his First Holy Communion. It was something he was eagerly looking forward to doing. I was going to prepare my son this year. Next weekend is when he would have done so. I read someone describe this as the "first taste of Heaven". I wanted to be there for his first taste. Instead, I received it for him in the emergency room as our priest gave him the Last Rites. It brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart ache each time I think of this. I was not there when he left this world to experience truly his first glimpse of Heaven. God knows why it happened that way, but as a mommy, I feel like I let him down not being there to reassure him and hold him and say good-bye. This morning on my walk, the air was crisp and I was reflecting on not being able to say good-bye. I heard his little voice so happy and clear say "bye mama".

When I think about the mysteries of the rosary, there are such definite emotions--joyful, sorrowful, glorious. I feel like I am in the midst of my own sorrowful mysteries. I don't know why God has put these things in my life, but I am trying my best to carry this cross. So many friends are reuniting with their husbands after this long deployment. I have such joy in my heart for them. I sometimes feel like we were stripped of that happy homecoming. Tony's homecoming was heartbreaking. Hopefully this season of sorrow will strengthen and mold our family in ways that will bring us closer to what God wants us to be.


Jennie C. said...

Children are so pure of heart and innocent in their faith, I think they must skip lightly between this world and forever.

Praying for you with love.

Just me-Jerri said...

Hey girl- goodbye is something I have learned not to say....and in your case it is not something you have to deal with either.  A goodbye is final. You will not be seperated from Ben for eternity but will meet up with him again someday and be able to walk the steets of gold with your son and sing praises to your Saviour. Just think..he already has the priviledge of doing so. We are the ones missing out on such a great thing. This is not to minimize your pain in the least as I can only imagine how deep that hurt is. Only to help you think of the joy of seeing him again to spend all eternity with him. Life is but a minute and full of such cares and woes. In Heaven we are promised no more pain or sorrow. May we press on to that goal and may your sorrow be turned to an inner steel to see you through. My prayers are with you. Call me if you ever need me. Love, Jerri

Leah said...

Jenny, I think of you every morning on my walk, and I always say a prayer for you and your whole family. In fact, I still ask Ben to pray one mystery of the Rosary with me on your behalf. Together we lift you up, and I ask our Holy Mother to hear the prayer of Ben for his mom, his dad, his sisters and brother. Recently, in my prayers I have this sensation of Ben, grown more, praying with me.
I think often of Ben's First Communion, as you have told me this story of receiving communion for him in the hospital. He was so happy to receive his First Communion through you... He was so blessed to have you as a mom. Thank you for teaching Ben to love Jesus. You are an awesome mommy!!
I mean that with all my heart,