A hard day

One year ago today, Ben went to his new home in Heaven. I miss him so passionately. I still cannot fathom that I will not hold him again. My heart skips a beat when I realize the truth.

Little Ben, I am trying to stay strong. Please intercede for your mama and ask God to give our family all the graces we need to continue each day without your smile, charm, and hugs.

I love you.

Buffalo's and Ants

I like it when something triggers my memory of a funny story that could have easily been forever lost. I can't recall the trigger now, but here is the story:

When we first moved to Ft. Stewart, the folk choir would go out to eat after Mass. It became a custom to go to Buffalo's. Ben enjoyed the BBQ chicken wings more than most people. He could polish off a basket of 10 wings himself. The process was more than messy. No one was allowed to wipe his hands or face until he was done eating. Most nights, the sauce would be up to his wrists and quite often I would find it in his ears. I always enjoyed watching him eat his wings.

After dinner, we would stand in the parking lot chatting before heading home. One evening, I looked over at Ben and he was chewing on something. I asked him to spit out whatever was in his mouth. He did and handed it to me. It was a piece of candy. I asked him where he had found it and he pointed to the ground. I then asked him why he had chosen to do so and he answered me matter-of-factly, "Because it was the one without any ants on it."

ramblings of a sad mama

There are so many things that Ben did not get to do. Mostly, I can think about all the experiences he did have and find much comfort. This, however, is hard. He did not get to make his First Holy Communion. It was something he was eagerly looking forward to doing. I was going to prepare my son this year. Next weekend is when he would have done so. I read someone describe this as the "first taste of Heaven". I wanted to be there for his first taste. Instead, I received it for him in the emergency room as our priest gave him the Last Rites. It brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart ache each time I think of this. I was not there when he left this world to experience truly his first glimpse of Heaven. God knows why it happened that way, but as a mommy, I feel like I let him down not being there to reassure him and hold him and say good-bye. This morning on my walk, the air was crisp and I was reflecting on not being able to say good-bye. I heard his little voice so happy and clear say "bye mama".

When I think about the mysteries of the rosary, there are such definite emotions--joyful, sorrowful, glorious. I feel like I am in the midst of my own sorrowful mysteries. I don't know why God has put these things in my life, but I am trying my best to carry this cross. So many friends are reuniting with their husbands after this long deployment. I have such joy in my heart for them. I sometimes feel like we were stripped of that happy homecoming. Tony's homecoming was heartbreaking. Hopefully this season of sorrow will strengthen and mold our family in ways that will bring us closer to what God wants us to be.

Eight Years Ago...

My dear Benjamin,

Eight years ago today, God blessed us with you, our beautiful firstborn son. We were all filled with joy to meet you.

I am so glad I had seven and a half years to be your mommy and see you grow and laugh and love. I do not understand why our time together had to be so short. I had a vision that Mary and Jesus came to your room and gently took your hands in theirs and guided you to Heaven. That has brought me such comfort to know that your Heavenly Mother was there for you so that you would not be scared in your new surroundings.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Benny. I hope that you will be with us in spirit as we celebrate you and the time we had together. I love you, son.

Mommy

waiting it out

In February of 2006, we took a trip to Disneyworld. Ben wanted to do everything. The Tower of Terror was no exception. I can remember the enthusiam that exuded from him as we stood in line. He was still excited as we ascended up the "elevator shaft". But as the ride plummetted, so did his enthusiam. He turned to me and said in a small voice, "I'm scared! I really am." As his mom, I wanted to push a magic button and get us off the ride. But I knew the only thing I could do was to hold him tight until the ride stopped and the scariness was over.

That is how I feel right now. I want God to push the magic button and make this all go away. But all I can do is hold on tight to Him.

Later in the trip, he got a Mr. Incredible outfit complete with muscles (We celebrated his 6th birthday there). His infectous smile and uncontainable enthusiam returned. I knew that the scary feeling had gone for now and in his costume he felt he like he could conquer the world. And he has.

I am still waiting it out, holding on tight. I hope God hears my small voice, calling to Him, "I'm sad. I really am."

Love Your Family

Three days before Ben died, I mailed a package to Tony in Iraq. As usual, the kids filled the package with letters and drawings. Of course, Tony returned home before receiving the package. Yesterday, it finally came back to us. This is one of the pictures that Ben drew. At the time, I know he meant "Love your family" as a close to a letter. However, I think he meant it as a command to us all this time around.

Ben, I am ever so more aware of how important each moment is with our family. Watch over your family during this season of Advent and help us to show our love for one another. I love and miss you.

Mommy

To my pirate on Halloween

Dear Ben,

This was one of your favorite days of the year! Halloween, where you could don your pirate-y things, and run through the neighborhood collecting your pirate booty...all the candy a kid could want. I am going to miss watching you create your latest pirate. You had been working on making your black pirate hat look more like the ones in the Pirates of the Carribean. I think you used most of my scotch tape!

How I miss you son. These "firsts" are the hardest. The first Halloween without you. I pray that you know how very much I cherish the time I had with you, my sweet angel boy. Do you get to dress up in Heaven? I sure hope so.

Love,

Mommy