There are so many things that Ben did not get to do. Mostly, I can think about all the experiences he did have and find much comfort. This, however, is hard. He did not get to make his First Holy Communion. It was something he was eagerly looking forward to doing. I was going to prepare my son this year. Next weekend is when he would have done so. I read someone describe this as the "first taste of Heaven". I wanted to be there for his first taste. Instead, I received it for him in the emergency room as our priest gave him the Last Rites. It brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart ache each time I think of this. I was not there when he left this world to experience truly his first glimpse of Heaven. God knows why it happened that way, but as a mommy, I feel like I let him down not being there to reassure him and hold him and say good-bye. This morning on my walk, the air was crisp and I was reflecting on not being able to say good-bye. I heard his little voice so happy and clear say "bye mama".
When I think about the mysteries of the rosary, there are such definite emotions--joyful, sorrowful, glorious. I feel like I am in the midst of my own sorrowful mysteries. I don't know why God has put these things in my life, but I am trying my best to carry this cross. So many friends are reuniting with their husbands after this long deployment. I have such joy in my heart for them. I sometimes feel like we were stripped of that happy homecoming. Tony's homecoming was heartbreaking. Hopefully this season of sorrow will strengthen and mold our family in ways that will bring us closer to what God wants us to be.